Tuesday, August 31, 2010

First comes love, then comes marriage...

... Then comes a baby in a baby carriage.

So, in my birthday post I teased you with my fear of pregnancy and childbirth, and mentioned that it was an entirely separate blog that I must write. I feel it is time to open Pandora's box and reveal the world to you... well my world, and how it relates to pregnancy at least.

Let me first preface this by saying I love children. I want children. When I was little, and you asked me what I wanted to be, it was a wife and a mommy. I can see Justin and I having 10 kids, only because I love them so much... I just get FREAKED at the thought of carrying one inside of me. Then you have to squeeze this watermelon sized human out of your nickle-ish sized vagina.

Seriously? Eve? Really? You had to eat the damn apple didn't you!

An entire person forms out of two cells inside of the uterus and that everything you put in your body is for them... well its mind boggling! This thing lives inside of you and eats off of you... wait a min, isn't there a word for that?  (par·a·site –noun 1. an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.) They squat inside of you for what everyone says is 9 months, when truthfully is pretty much 10 months, and then one day water runs out of you, that is not pee, and you have anywhere from 2 to 30 hours of pain ahead of you. The whole process is creepy to me, and it causes me anxiety every time I think or talk about it! My plan is to sit my OB down the minute I find out I'm pregnant and explain my anxiety about the whole issue and just ask to plan a c-section at that moment...

I can't forget to add my fears about all the weird changes to your body, the baby moving inside of you, kicking your vital organs, the weird red lines, the hormone surges, the kankles, the hair growing in odd places, the baby trying to kick its way out of your belly...

... all in all its pretty creepy and scary to me. The girls at the salon even told me you have a distinctly different aroma "down there" when you are pregnant! REALLY?!?!?

I know that the time will come, pretty soon, and it will be my turn to add to the worlds population. It will be the scariest yet most fulfilling thing I have ever done.

My question is, can't I just skip the whole pregnancy/ delivery thing?


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